A Spear and the Dark
My heart is racing because I don't know how honest I should be.
I don't know how much of myself I should put out here.
The sharing of ideas on the internet is sensational. It is one big game of telephone. Things that travel are things that get scandalous attention, I know that. And regardless of platform, the internet is almost designed for us to take things out of context. By saying anything meant to provoke people's thoughts, you may provoke one person's ire, and that is all that it takes to rally the ire of many. This process does not regard the truth. Here is a great TED talk about it.
I tried taking my own posts out of context and I got the following:
"But what is the worst that could happen to me if I fail? Maybe I die young, or I can't make it through graduate school" - Doesn't want graduate school enough. Not confident?
"curiously learning with little regard for what a good person it makes me, or how much impact I will have." - Prefers "blue skies" research. Doesn't care about others
"My thoughts are that organ donation is a concept that lies too close to death in the American psyche and that we have not developed ways of talking about death and dying as a culture that allow us to make nuanced decisions about it." - What a grand idea from someone who doesn't know very much.
"I am not comfortable with an interpretation of relativism that lands on a place of "killing can be right as long as your culture says it is", or worse "as long as it feels good to you" - Doesn't understand relativism.
"These engineering situations do not go awry because of faulty logic (read: shit logic)" - Vulgar, Doesn't care about ethics education.
"I think that Google should have waited to fire James Damore" - Conservative Trump Voter
"That said, I'm not a feeler, really. When I approach situations, I try to break them down logically into little pieces that I don't have to feel about." - Sociopath (this one was actually brought to my attention by someone else)
"When I found out Trump was elected, I didn't feel good. I had to wrench myself up from out of bed, I took a bath and had ice cream for breakfast." - Liberal Snowflake
But mostly I can't really imagine the criticism, though I know it exists. The truth is that I am not perfect. No-one is perfect. But media can magnify our imperfections. A stupid tweet ruins your life. And so I question how honest, how much of myself I can put into these posts. How honest should you be at a job interview? How much of my flaws is acceptable to talk about? And sanitizing these posts of myself does not seem right either.
On top of these thoughts, I also consider the discussions that we have in our ethics class about the treatment of whistleblowers. Whistleblowers do not get protection. It is naive to think that doing "good", telling the truth, being honest are behaviors that simply get rewarded. Whistleblowers venture to ruin their careers. And doing good means an excruciating separation from the pack. Doing good can get you hurt. I believe that, which is why I need to be smart about it.
The title refers to my Ph.D., my piece of paper. In order to empower oneself to hunt, one needs the technology of a spear. If I want to go hunting bad, ignorant or unethical engineering, I need a Ph.D. I need something that cannot be taken away from me. As it stands I feel too vulnerable to speak my mind, and my mind is still in a stage where it is being molded. I wouldn't try to hunt anything with my bare hands, and I wouldn't try to make change without something to fall back on. I don't have power yet.
If I do continue to post it will still be with my pseudonym, Jay Lisowz. And I'm not yet sure whether or not I will be sharing these posts on my real person facebook. I feel it is risky. It is part of the reason it took me so long to start sharing in the first place. I feel under scrutiny that I cannot currently bear. It seemed naive, and it only continues to do so.
Either way, I will wait in the dark until I have my spear. I will watch the beast roaming and wait patiently until I am equipped to pounce. And I know that pouncing is risky. To undo unfair and dominant power structures, I have to be willing to renounce the privileges it affords me. I may need to commit "class suicide" or maybe "professional suicide" lest I become a White savior. I may be gored by the beast's horns but I don't have to be a martyr yet - I'm going to be smart about it.
I don't know how much of myself I should put out here.
The sharing of ideas on the internet is sensational. It is one big game of telephone. Things that travel are things that get scandalous attention, I know that. And regardless of platform, the internet is almost designed for us to take things out of context. By saying anything meant to provoke people's thoughts, you may provoke one person's ire, and that is all that it takes to rally the ire of many. This process does not regard the truth. Here is a great TED talk about it.
I tried taking my own posts out of context and I got the following:
"But what is the worst that could happen to me if I fail? Maybe I die young, or I can't make it through graduate school" - Doesn't want graduate school enough. Not confident?
"curiously learning with little regard for what a good person it makes me, or how much impact I will have." - Prefers "blue skies" research. Doesn't care about others
"My thoughts are that organ donation is a concept that lies too close to death in the American psyche and that we have not developed ways of talking about death and dying as a culture that allow us to make nuanced decisions about it." - What a grand idea from someone who doesn't know very much.
"I am not comfortable with an interpretation of relativism that lands on a place of "killing can be right as long as your culture says it is", or worse "as long as it feels good to you" - Doesn't understand relativism.
"These engineering situations do not go awry because of faulty logic (read: shit logic)" - Vulgar, Doesn't care about ethics education.
"I think that Google should have waited to fire James Damore" - Conservative Trump Voter
"That said, I'm not a feeler, really. When I approach situations, I try to break them down logically into little pieces that I don't have to feel about." - Sociopath (this one was actually brought to my attention by someone else)
"When I found out Trump was elected, I didn't feel good. I had to wrench myself up from out of bed, I took a bath and had ice cream for breakfast." - Liberal Snowflake
But mostly I can't really imagine the criticism, though I know it exists. The truth is that I am not perfect. No-one is perfect. But media can magnify our imperfections. A stupid tweet ruins your life. And so I question how honest, how much of myself I can put into these posts. How honest should you be at a job interview? How much of my flaws is acceptable to talk about? And sanitizing these posts of myself does not seem right either.
On top of these thoughts, I also consider the discussions that we have in our ethics class about the treatment of whistleblowers. Whistleblowers do not get protection. It is naive to think that doing "good", telling the truth, being honest are behaviors that simply get rewarded. Whistleblowers venture to ruin their careers. And doing good means an excruciating separation from the pack. Doing good can get you hurt. I believe that, which is why I need to be smart about it.
The title refers to my Ph.D., my piece of paper. In order to empower oneself to hunt, one needs the technology of a spear. If I want to go hunting bad, ignorant or unethical engineering, I need a Ph.D. I need something that cannot be taken away from me. As it stands I feel too vulnerable to speak my mind, and my mind is still in a stage where it is being molded. I wouldn't try to hunt anything with my bare hands, and I wouldn't try to make change without something to fall back on. I don't have power yet.
If I do continue to post it will still be with my pseudonym, Jay Lisowz. And I'm not yet sure whether or not I will be sharing these posts on my real person facebook. I feel it is risky. It is part of the reason it took me so long to start sharing in the first place. I feel under scrutiny that I cannot currently bear. It seemed naive, and it only continues to do so.
Either way, I will wait in the dark until I have my spear. I will watch the beast roaming and wait patiently until I am equipped to pounce. And I know that pouncing is risky. To undo unfair and dominant power structures, I have to be willing to renounce the privileges it affords me. I may need to commit "class suicide" or maybe "professional suicide" lest I become a White savior. I may be gored by the beast's horns but I don't have to be a martyr yet - I'm going to be smart about it.
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